The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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