I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
