i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
