my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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