Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
