True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
