no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
