I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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