Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
