am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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