Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
