You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
