Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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