i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
