Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
