Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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