DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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