you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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