Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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