Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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