I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
