I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
How's work?
Spinning.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
