Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
