Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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