I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
