we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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