I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
