I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
