So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
