Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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