just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize