i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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