I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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