omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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