$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
