I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
