It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
