He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
