I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
