Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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