Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
