hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
