I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
