it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
