the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
