why didn't you poke me back
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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