i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
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I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
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FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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