I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
