why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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