I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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