I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I FOUND THE LEGS
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
