now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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