well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
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Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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