She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
