Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
