I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
pop tarts are not kleenex
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
