Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
