We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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