I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
