fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
