You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
