You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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